Famous Name

I can’t recall ever going by “Matthew”. Sure, close family most likely identified me by it when I was very young but I pretty quickly abbreviated. It’s always just felt concise and to the point. Matt. Ryan. Check it.

For a long time, I looked forward to the idea of being the first famous Matt Ryan. When I was about 17 or 18, a quick search of imdb revealed numerous Matt Ryans already in the film industry, but they were mostly gaffers, best boys and various other jobs that are about one shade above being the janitor. I relished the notion that I’d be the first Matt Ryan to achieve massive, insurmountable international fame as a feature film director (this feat of course being a mere inevitability in my pre-adult mind).

Well, everything was going as planned until this OTHER Matt Ryan comes on the scene. A football player. For what team? I don’t know. I don’t care (see my previous post entitled “I don’t care about sports“). Apparently he’s a Heisman trophy winner. Whatever the hell that means.

Truthfully, I could care less. He’s not in my field. Nor is he in a field I give a shit about. But he is famous. And this is an annoyance that has recently reared it’s slack-jawed, sideways cap wearing head. People find out my name, be it off my debit card at Starbucks or my name badge at work, and they ask….

“Dude, what’s it like having your name?”

You should know I have not altered the wording at all. Right down to the “dude”, I’ve left it just the way it is usually delivered.

So, what exactly is the desired response?

“It’s beyond my wildest dreams.”

Maybe I’m overreacting. I just think the whole exchange is on par with asking a celebrity if they know another celebrity; which, ironically, is a question I look forward to being asked upon my arrival in the upper echelons of fame.

But the point here is that this whole situation is backwards. People should be asking this soccer guy how he feels about sharing a name with such a respected and sexually desired film director (me). They should be encouraging him to go downtown and attempt to score drinks off my name. He should be scamming women into one night stands with some fabricated tale of being my brother. I’m not saying I’ve done these things… they’re just helpful suggestions to him for when the time comes that his star has flamed out and mine is rocketing skywards.

A recent Google search of my name also revealed some Bruce Springsteen impersonator sharing my moniker. Here’s some poor bastard who, try as he might to start a career as a respected musician, can’t escape the fact that he looks and sounds like The Boss. So, he settles for a life of touring dive bars playing someone else’s songs.

I will not let this stand. The Matt Ryans of the world need, nay- deserve, a global representative that doesn’t make them want to blow their brains out. They deserve a leader with the courage and determination to become outrageously famous. More famous than the above mentioned lesser Matt Ryans. Even more famous than that Matt Ryan who actually makes his own original music. I’ve never heard any of it, but I’m sure it’s awful.

Although, he goes by Matthew. So maybe we’ll let it slide.