How to Fix Everything

I have unraveled the singular important mystery in the universe. Man’s one seemingly impossible hurdle. In this blog I shall bring peace and balance to humanity with a simple proposition. So simple, in fact, that you egghead writers would have never thought of it.

It is my firm belief that every single person- right out of high school- should have to work in retail. For one year.

And when I say “retail”, I don’t mean some fancy pants posh bullshit upper class clothing boutique. I’m talking bottom of the barrel. Like fuckin’ Walmart, or Blockbuster Video. Actually, that’s it! Blockbuster Video! This idea works best in a field that hinges on subjectivity.

But first let’s dive into why this year long sentence in consumer hell should be mandatory for all. Fact is, there is no better way to encounter all that is evil and reprehensible about humanity. Well, I suppose you could work in a prison and cross paths with some real scum- but there’s a distinct type of life experience one garners by dealing with ordinary people who act like extraordinary assholes.

I’m sure you’re reading this and thinking “oh, this douche must have just had a bad day at work.”

Well, first- don’t call me a douche. And having worked in retail for most of my occupational lifespan, this genius idea stems from years of bad days at work- all at the expense of making sure you get your damn free video or that you walk away knowing why you can’t send an email without an email account (my current school funding device is FedEx Kinko’s which, while being a great company, still deals with something most people don’t comprehend- computers).

However, I’ve recently begun noticing that these jobs are slowly molding me into an apathetic, mellowed out robot, at least while on the job. I can switch on in the morning for school and switch off in the afternoon for work. I can do my job, take the verbal criticism, the condescending insults from middle aged business men (who own bluetooth phones but inexplicably can’t create a pdf file), and I can go home with my overall outlook on humanity unscathed.

It wasn’t always like this. There were times when a bad night at work would boil my blood something fierce. I’m also to the point where I can admit that the rage it would cause back then most likely cost me my relationship at the time, as I would usually dump the days worth of ranting on her. My apologies, girlfriend of the past.

But it really does astound me just how mean spirited, purposely humiliating and down right rude people can be… and to a perfect stranger! My personal favorite variety is the people who arrive with kids in tow. They’ll make it a point to remind the child to say ”please” and “thank you” and simultaneously scream their heads off at me behind the sales counter, being sure to include every expletive they can. Are they not trying to instill basic manners into their kids as well? Or is there some kind of footnote about being kind to people that states “except if they’re in any kind of service industry”?

And sure, I can see things from the other side. Maybe these fine people are having a bad day themselves. Maybe there’s all sorts of reasons to account for their demeanour when they show up in front of me. And I’m also not going to pretend that we in the retail world don’t occasionally falter in serving you. But it never ceases to amaze me the level of lack of understanding in these situations. Basically, everything should be perfect and if it’s not you should feel more than welcome to blame me right then and there, in any subsequent re-tellings to family and friends or my supervisors. In fact, when talking to management, be sure to dress the story up a little. After all, why should you have to deal with my bullshit when you’ve lived a flawlessly perfect existence?

Which brings us back to why everyone should have to be in these shoes.

For this to work, we’ll have to wait a few decades for the older, more particularly asshole-ish (and bigoted, racist) generation to die out but then it should be smooth sailing for a race of people who’re now at ease with how things work and accepting of their inability to change them. It’ll be Shrangri-fucking-La.

At the outset, there will be the matter of those who’ve already endured these types of jobs during high school years or even those who have/did/will not complete high school. But there will be some type of system in place to deal with this on a case by case basis. Don’t you worry about things like that.

For now, I’d just say that the next time you find yourself out and about in the world, consider the size of the universe. Because in the grand scheme of things, we all live in the same house. Hell, the same room. With the same singular rule.

Don’t be a dick.