I don’t care about sports.

If this is truly going to be a personal and intimate account of me and all the unimportant minutia that composes who I am, then there’s something very important to get out of the way first. And by putting this particular subject at the forefront right off the bat, I hope to avoid the digital equivalent to the awkward first conversations I’ve had with people concerning this very thing.

I don’t care about sports. At all.

It’s not that I hate sports, it’s that I don’t even feel the need to muster an opinion either way. It doesn’t interest me. So why is this front page news? Well, it isn’t. Don’t ask stupid questions. But this lack of alignment with either side of the sports constituency represents a hypocritical risk I inherently take.

To explain:

My problem with people who obsess over sports is that it tends to be all they can discuss in any situation, social or otherwise. However, the double standard here is that I am the same way about music and movies. I don’t really know anything else; at least not thoroughly enough to appear on Jeopardy. Sure, I can bullshit my way through a political debate with friends or deep philosophical discussion about my thoughts on our universe (as long as I’ve either watched CNN that day or had a few drinks, respectively), but I’m not committed enough to those things to read past the CliffsNotes. So, on this note, I empathize with those who, during conversation, can think of nothing beyond trivial and monotonous sports facts. Hell, I can tell you how much Titanic made its opening weekend. For every batting average and *insert other sports fact thing here* that you can spew, I can retaliate with gems like “Did you know that Keanu Reeves was the 4th choice to play Neo in The Matrix behind Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Will Smith?”

Chances are you didn’t know. Nor did you desire to.

Now, I’m not saying I ignore sports as a whole. The fact is I enjoy watching and playing Basketball (and living my life as a tall person has led to incessant inquiries from strangers about the sport since, apparently the only qualification is height). Though, admittedly, that’s where it ends. Most other games bore me to tears and I have a very special grudge stored in my soul for Football which probably stems from several things. Among them, being from Texas hasn’t exactly served to down-play the importance of the ‘ol pigskin. The football players are more popular, they get laid more frequently and they coast through school and into jobs that pay sticking-a-fork-into-a-light-socket-stupid money. Over time, these things lost there “grand scheme” importance but the stigma of how it seemed in high school remains forever.

But again, I am snacking on my foot.

I aspire to infiltrate the film industry. A business that tends to not be cited for its logical pay structure. There are people out there who appeared in a certain aforementioned ship movie that are still, to this day, earning royalites off the film. We’re talking stand-in-ankle-deep-water-and-then-stick-the-fork-into-the-socket-stupid money.

Bet you didn’t know that.

Luckily, I can co-exists with the sports folk. Many of my friends fall into the category. I’ve received many a call after such and such team has won the whatever championship of someplace and been able to feign excitement enough to survive another day without having to explain that I couldn’t tell you how football is played even with a gun to my head.

But I can wager you don’t know which movie has the highest box-office gross to budget ratio.